What’s Love Got to Do with It?
Written by: Vanessa Vargas, YCP Social Worker Supervisor
Edited By: Hannah Adkison
Love is a simple four-letter word that is full of complexity. There is love for a family member, love for a friend, love for food and hobbies and animals, and more. A person’s background and story shapes how they receive and give love, and as we know, we all give and receive differently. Today we’ll cover one aspect of viewing love and support: Attachment Styles.
Attachment Theory asserts that our early childhood interactions tend to shape how we build relationships and show trust to others throughout the rest of our lives. Were our needs met by our caregivers? Did people show up for us? Did we feel safe, secure, and seen?
To help us make sense of all this, attachment theory suggests that there are four “Attachment Styles,”: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. The last three develop as ways to stay “safe” in inconsistent, dangerous, or neglectful environments, but can sometimes sabotage us in otherwise healthy scenarios. In short, how we were or weren’t loved can have a big effect on how we receive or engage in love later down the line.
understanding them when it comes to fostering can be invaluable to our success. Youth in foster care have undergone trauma of all kinds, usually from a young age. In addition to what they experienced in the home they were removed from, they often undergo additional trauma just by being in the foster care system. This in turn, affects how they show up and give and receive love in your home. Below are some examples of each attachment style, along with how a foster parent might best care for a child exhibiting these behaviors.
Anxious or Preoccupied
A youth with an anxious attachment style may have a hard time regulating their emotions because they never knew what to expect from their caregivers, producing preoccupied, worried, and even clingy reactions. Their main fear is abandonment. These youth often form quick and untested bonds with others to secure love and safety for themselves. For example, they may immediately refer to their resource parents as “mom and dad”, an endearing title that likely has not yet been earned. Romantic relationships can be difficult for these youth for similar reasons: their need to be loved makes them blind to unhealthy patterns and poor pairings. They tend to trust too easily and may not realize when someone is taking advantage of them. In communication, they struggle without immediate assurance. Over the phone, this may appear as multiple calls or texts if someone doesn’t respond quickly.
How to Support:
Narrate, narrate, narrate. This may seem a little silly at first, but it can go a long way. This step towards clear and consistent communication will help alleviate any fears a child may have regarding your availability. This will take time and trust for BOTH parties!
When leaving home, discuss when you are leaving, when you are coming back, where they can reach you.
If they call and you are unable to answer immediately, send a text: “I see your missed call and will call you back in 5 minutes.”
Even if you are sitting in a room together, even narrate “I’m getting up to go grab a snack from the kitchen and will be right back here.”
Avoidant
A youth with an avoidant attachment style has determined “I can only rely on me”. They don’t want to open themselves up only to be let down. They are often good at following clear rules and expectations that are discussed ahead of time. They present as very independent and often see asking for or receiving help as a weakness. They may join in at the dinner table if that is the rule, but they may not say much. They also may seem accommodating simply to avoid conflict and the subsequent emotions attached. They have built up walls to protect themselves from getting hurt without a real understanding of who they are inside those walls.
How to Support
This may feel like “loving someone with armor on,” and instead of pushing through it or forcing them to take it off, we suggest just continuing to show up. Continue to be involved. Continue to provide. Consistency is key.
Let them lead activities and see if they will let you be a silent partner.
Ask them “how did you learn that?” and verbally admit when you don’t know something.
Affirm them for their strengths and let them fail in a safe environment.
Refrain from requiring verbal affection or affirmation reciprocated back to you. The hardest part for most parents is that verbal affirmation may not be given in return, and we have to accept that.
Disorganized
A youth with a disorganized attachment will run very hot and cold. Often their home life was so chaotic, and their caregiver so unpredictable, they became fearful and untrusting of those close to them. Like the anxious attachment, they may love being in a new home, diving in headfirst and building quick connections. Just as quickly, they may detach completely, and act like everyone is the enemy. They often do not have high self-esteem and may test boundaries to see how long someone will “love them” until they leave. They struggle with finding anything positive about themselves and may shut down compliments by expressing the negative.
How to Support
This may often be the most complex attachment style to navigate, so the ability to regulate your own emotions will go a long way. Continue to set clear boundaries and expectations:
Try something like, “Whether it’s good day or a tough day, I will still love and accept you.”
Encourage friendships and other natural supports, as they may be quick to discard these when things get vulnerable or hard.
Affirm what they are doing well: Take them out for ice cream when they raise a grade, thank them for remaining calm when they are frustrated. Feed into the positive behaviors and they may be more inclined to continue.
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment is what we are all aiming for (adults and children alike)! A youth with a secure attachment will still be hesitant to enter a new home, but they are willing to be present. They are comfortable with asking questions and okay with letting you help them. They tend to have a sense of self-confidence and can be appropriately independent. They are okay with being part of activities but also content being by themselves. They may be willing to show their emotions (good or bad) and process them. They are still willing to learn and try new things. They may not refer to their resource parents as mom and dad, but they are also okay with introducing them to their friends.
How to Support
It is very unlikely a youth will be completely secure given their exposure to trauma, but as they become more secure, we want to support that growth and healing! Praising them for getting good grades, showing up for their games, and asking what they are proud of in themselves will help them continue to grow in their sense of self. Something that might surprise you: how a child sees adults work through disappointment, seek help, and talk about emotions greatly impacts their ability to do the same. Let them lead and build their own independent skills while still providing a safe landing spot for them.
What DOES love have to do with it?
For our teens in foster care, let’s look at this healing work like planting seeds of affirmation, consistency, independence, and support. As these wonderful, resilient teens move through life, we get to water those seeds, slowly growing their confidence with our collective love and commitment. The care and support we show may not always be reciprocated, but we can guarantee you it will go a long way nonetheless. So Love—well it has everything to do with it.